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Are You, Your Own Worst Enemy?

 

For weeks, months and possibly even years, you have been dreaming of, starting your own business, changing career, finding that perfect partner or even travelling the world, however up to now you still haven't done it.

Why?

 

Because you have been stopping yourself, not allowing yourself to do what your heart truly desires you to do.  I know, it’s hard to admit, that this is not the case.  I’ve been there and have used the same excuses you are using right now.  “I cannot start my own business; I don't have the funds or the business knowledge to get started”.  “My age and I have family commitments that stop me from travelling the world”. 

As for finding the perfect partner, you tell yourself that there are no good men or women out there, or all the good ones are either married, in relationships or dead.  You maybe even telling yourself that no-one will have you.  You do realise that these are just excuses we use to stay within our comfort zone.

For many years I made these same excuses, but the real truth was I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  My go to excuse was that “my advice would not be listened to or accepted as credible”.  This was my beliefs about myself, which I didn’t even have any proof about.  In fact, when I did take the bull by the horns and went out there, the response that I received was phenomenal.  To be honest the feedback I received blue me away, as it wasn't what I was expecting. 

Deciding to step out of my zone of comfort, allowed others to see what I can do and for them to make up their minds on this basis and gave me the chance to see what was true enabling me to change those b.s. beliefs that I held about myself and create beliefs that were real and factual about my ability to create change for myself and others, doing what I truly wanted.

You see we are our own worst enemy because of those negative, or as I like to call them b.s. beliefs, we hold about ourselves, our skills and our capacity to survive outside of our comfort zone and do something new. 

After many years of deep soul searching, I realised that different people, situations or events show up in our lives to highlight how and where we are being our own worst enemy.  I also realised that there were certain things that I either needed to start doing or stop doing in order to stop being my own worst enemy.  Out of the many things I realised, three stood out to be the most effective in helping me stop being my own worst enemy.

The first of these things is:

1.         Responsibility

Firstly, responsibility is something we choose to do - it's a choice to take or not.  When we choose to take responsibility we are saying we choose to act in a certain way in specific situations or events.  When we refuse to take responsibility, instead of acting in a specific way, we re-act to the situation or in some cases we do nothing.  When we do not take responsibility for doing what we know we ought to do, we make excuses and start blaming someone or something other than ourselves.

Leland Val Van De Wall said, "When a person takes responsibility for their life and the results they are obtaining, they will cease to blame others as the cause of their results.  Since you cannot change other people, blame is inappropriate.  Blaming others causes a person to remain bound in a prison of their own making.  When you take responsibility, blame is eliminated and you are free to grow."

George Bernard Shaw said, "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don't believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, they make them."

I bet you didn't ever imagine that not taking responsibility was you turning against yourself, making you your own worst enemy and that denying yourself by not taking responsibility was actually your way of giving your power away to the circumstances or situations that arise in your life.  It's a big rejection of yourself, who you are and who you were created to be.

To start taking responsibility and stop being your own worst enemy remember:

1. First and foremost, responsibility is a choice - your choice. 
2. Responsibility meaning that you have the ability to respond to your situation the way you want to, enabling you to keep your power and not give it away.
3. When you are being responsible you are acting on your circumstance and not just reacting to them.

The second thing is:

2.         Habitual Behaviour

Our habitual behaviours are automatic and used on a regular basis.  These are the behaviours we repeat most often. These behaviours are in our comfort zone and are rewarding to us in some ways.  Habitual behaviour is learned behaviour and individuals are not always aware of them.  These types of behaviour can be triggered by a cue or a change in an individual’s circumstances or situation.

For example, Ben is always starting new projects, which he loves.  Ben is always very enthusiastic about the start of a new project.  He loved spending hours on his laptop, doing research, creating products and setting up websites.  However, between 8 - 12 weeks into Ben's projects, when he has done the research, created his products and built his website, it's time to start attracting customers.  This is when Ben's enthusiasm starts to wear off.  He stops following through, he does no marketing to attract clients and his to do list never gets ticked off, the project is eventually left undone.

The trigger or cue for Ben's habitual behaviour to kick in is when he has to start attracting customers and marketing his business.  This is when he stops following through with his project and goes back into his comfort zone of being at the start up point again.  His reward is being back at the point of doing research, creating products and websites.  The issue with this habitual behaviour process is that Ben will never complete anything, he never gets to an end goal, leaving him feeling a lack of achievement, a failure and spirals him into self-doubt.

To change your habitual behaviour:

1. Take time to get to know yourself and how you behave all types of situations.
2. Look for patterns in your behaviour and the results you have been getting.
3. Look for the comfort and rewards you are getting from continuing with these behaviours.
4. Find that compelling why to help keep you moving forward to break the habitual behaviour chains

 

The third and final thing to stop being your own worst enemy is:

3.         Fear

When you are standing in fear it stops you taking responsibility.  It keeps you held in negative habitual behaviours and beliefs. Fear will keep you paralysed, stopping you reaching towards your dreams and goals.

To get beyond the fear and stop being your own worst enemy, learn what fear is. This is your first step to doing what you want to do even when fear is present.

Mark Twain said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it!"

• Recognise your story - the story you tell yourself about what happened to you in the past and why you are fearful of taking action presently.
• Remember that fear is connected to the inner state of mind - what are you thinking and believing about yourself or your circumstances, e.g. take note of what you say to yourself - are you telling yourself that you are not good enough or you don’t believe you can create the things you want.
• Visualise a positive way to deal with your fears
• Approach your fears head on

Remember FEAR means:

• False Evidence Appearing Real – Most people react to fear before it happens because they make an assumption of what might happen if they expose themselves to or take this step.  We create the fear due to our inability to confront the fear. We can get through it if we had the courage. Yet most people retreat because of the false evidence they perceive (see) before them.
• False Expectation Appearing Real – Having false expectations are thoughts about the future, based upon what we have experienced in the past, and based upon what we think is going to happen in the future. The past" is not here anymore, the thing that is left from the past is a collection of memories and thoughts of what you think has happened.
• Forget Everything And Run – This type of fear comes up when things get difficult for us to do and usually requires action.  We tend to fear that the action we will take will be insufficient, so we get fearful and decide to forget it and run.
• Finding Excuses And Reasons – Like all the above, we find excuses and reasons for not doing things and that is what fear is.  It finds the excuses not to do, not to attend, not to lose weight, not to find a job, to forget everything and run.  Then we include our expectation and we make assumptions which all equals FEAR.

And finally, with all that said about FEAR, it really does get a lot of bad press, nevertheless in all the running from fear I have done, when I stopped running, I discovered that FEAR was actually a formula for success and by using FEAR you would stop being your worst enemy and at last start move in the directions of your dreams and goals.

And the formula for success is: - F + E + A = R

• Focus + Energy + Action = Results – By focusing on what you want, having it at the centre of your interest and having a clear visual definition of what you want, then applying energy, which is the strength and vitality for sustained physical or mental activity and take action, action and more action this will lead you to the results, the consequence or outcome of your applied focus, energy and actions. The result is the things your dreamed of have become part of your reality.

I hope I have given you food for thought and added a little value to your day! 

Please leave some feedback, your thoughts and comments are welcomed.